ECSTASY

Stretccchhh! I had been sitting on the chair for quite some time now. My back is already aching and my head started to hurt. But my favourite show is still going. So, I leaned my back more on the chair and lifted my feet off the ground and hugged it tightly...
Since I was a child, I love watching television be it comedy, romance, action and horror even suspense. What I like the most are cartoons. I can go sit on a chair for a day and does not do anything just watch. I was always being scolded by my dad back then because of my laziness. Even my mom would say, “Noong umalis ako, andiyan ka na. Pati ngayong dumating ako, andiyan ka parin. Anong gagawin namin sa’yong bata ka?” [When I went out, you are already there. And now I got home, you’re still there. We don’t know what we’re going to do with you anymore?] I would just stare at them and continue watching. And then the next thing I knew my dad get the remote and turned off the television and said, “Gumawa ka muna ng gawaing bahay bago ka manuod!” [Do house chores first before watching television!] I hate it when he does that. Watching television is one of the things I do to entertain myself and they always hinder me from it. I don’t want to be rude so I just followed them. After doing some house-chores they gave me the remote. And let me have my quality time with myself. The next day, I did some house works first before watching television. I did not here any complain from my parents. Since then, house works first before television. 
I am the youngest in the family. We have different things to do in a day, so my family only have conversation during meals. One time, while I was watching a cartoon movie of Disney channel, my mom sat beside me and started to watch also (she is a Grade 1 teacher). We started laughing at the movie and really had a great time. We chat and chat about the movie when it already ended. And our topics became about how I am in school, how are my friends, am I being bullied or what and many else. That became the start of the tight bond between me and my mom. Because of our common interest in the cartoons we communicate often and started to have a movie marathon at home. My dad is an avid fan of people who make illusions and magic tricks. He often watched even at dawn. And I also love watching those things so one morning, I saw him watching and I watched with him. We are both amazed with the tricks so we started formulating how they did it and more. My brother and my two sisters have bonding when watching movies at home and Discovery channel. We would watch any kinds of movie like horror, suspense, romance, comedy and action. And any series or episodes in Discovery channel. Those television moments with them are being discussed also at our meal time. Then, we would have a blast sharing stories and such to each other.
Watching televisions had contributed in having a tight bond in our family. It had built an additional connection between us (the first connection is love). Television does not hinder me to have a communication with my family; hence, it hindered me from doing my responsibilities at home and school. Television became the bridge and the reason why we have an effective communication at home. We do not run out of stories to tell and experiences to share with each other. Typically, when we have nothing to discuss anymore, someone would say, “Napanood ko kanina yung ganito-ganyan. Grabe, ang ganda!” [I had watched this and that. Wow, it is beautiful!] And the rest of us will listen and ask about it.
The show was back when I heard someone snoring at my side. I looked at it and saw my brother already sleeping and my dad, mom, and two sisters were sitting on the sofa watching. Yes, after all our works we would meet at the sala and watch television together. Bond and communicate. We are having a good time. The bond we have is because of the communication we make. Communication is like studying. It is a continuous process or never-ending cycle of learning that we encounter in our daily life. Moreover, my happy and strong bond with my family is forever because communication is never-ending. 

Note: Na-addict ako sa word na ecstasy. Maganda kasi yung meaning niya indi lang siya basta-bastang drug. :) At saka, last part itong essay ng exam namin noon sa Com. Arts 2. Gusto ko lang siyang ipost. :D

GLIMPSE OF THE PAST

Since I was a child I am scared of ghosts. It is because of the stories my brothers and sisters will tell me and also the movies we watch like Insidious, The Grudge, and Shutter. As the youngest I am gullible to what they say. Those stories and movies drove me to became afraid of the dark so I like having night lamp, especially if I am alone in my room and I put pillows around me to keep me accompanied at night and that no one or something invisible or not be seen by naked eye will be sleeping beside me. I do believe in ghosts. In fact, I always watch Ghost Lab and Haunting on Discovery channel every Friday at 9 pm (advertisement HAHAHA!) Even I believe in them I can’t figure out what really are ghost? Maybe, no one can really figure out what are ghosts for certain.
I conquered my fear of ghosts when we started living in a boarding house. There, I experienced things I can’t explain and I often ignore it because my dad always scolds at me whenever I chickened out. Most of our board mates are students who always tell me ghost stories about the boarding house. One story is: My mom is the landlady of the boarding house so she roamed around at dawn or sometimes at midnight to ensure that the students are already asleep and that lights of their rooms are turned off. They say that they were hiding from my mom that night. They are at the terrace when they saw my mom roaming around. Then, when my mom is at the last building (which is visible at their terrace) they saw that there is someone following my mom. They say that the girl at the third floor of the other building was disturbed by my mom and that she was followed by it. Some security guards also tell things about our boarding house. There are guards that only stay there for a night and wants to be transferred to another place the next day. I don’t know what happen to them but one of them told my mom that he saw something at the open space at the back of the boarding house. He can’t explain what it is but he said that he feel so scared when he saw that. One night, when me and my close board mates have our free time we decided to stay up late at the rooftop we brought food, picnic table cloth and pillows there. We are eight who went to the rooftop four of them can see ghost. We are having fun chatting when out of the blue one of them started to tell stories about ghost. I am scared that time because our surroundings is quiet and we are the only people at the rooftop not to mention that we don’t have any single light there. Only our mobile phones serve as our flashlight. When we she was finish telling the story. I and my board mate went on the edge of the roof top. We are laughing and scaring each other because what we can only see is pitch black. While we are at the middle of our business, the other board mate who can see ghost called us and told us that we must go downstairs already. We do not listen to them. We still continue our chat. We did not expect what happened next, they shouted on us and told us to stay away from the edge. We followed them but we are still laughing then one of them screamed and hurriedly went downstairs. We panicked with what happen so the rest of us hurriedly picked up our things and went downstairs as fast as we can. When we arrived downstairs, we asked the one who screamed why did she do that. She just shrugged and ignored us. Then someone said, “Nakita mo rin iyon, noh?” (“You saw that also, right?”) She said, “Yep, ang creepy nga e. Itong dalawa kasi e.” (“Yep, it was creepy. You two are to blame.”) and she pointed at us. And the two of us blurted out, “ Anong ginawa namin?” (“What did we do?”). She told us that when we are at the rooftop, while we were listening to the ghost story there are three people who are standing far from us. She ignored it because they are not harming us. But when the two of us went at the edge, they followed us there and just looked at us. And when we are fooling around of pushing one another at the rooftop, one of the “ghost” went beside us and was laughing. The other two also started laughing—like demonic laugh. That is the time they told us to stay away from the edge of the rooftop. And when she screamed, she saw again another “ghost” who is staring angrily at us. After hearing that, my blood was like flushed out and I had goosebumps. The one I was with can’t even speak. We are just curious why is there a ghost looking angrily at us. Then it hit us, we accidentally dropped a soda can at the open space when we were pushing one another, maybe we disturbed it or maybe it was like we trespassed on its territory. That’s the last time we stayed up late at the rooftop. There are more stories about our boarding house. Most people who believe in ghosts would tell that every place has ghost. In our ancestral house, when I woke up from the sofa at our sala downstairs, I reached for the remote and started to watch television. Minutes ago, I heard footsteps coming from upstairs (the second floor was made of wood, so you can hear the creeking of the floor). I didn’t pay attention to it because maybe the footsteps were from my brother, sister or cousins that is upstairs. After one hour, my brother, sister and cousins arrived. I asked them where did they go and who was walking upstairs. They looked at each other confusingly. And my brother told me that I was alone at the house for four hours and they left because I am sleeping. I told him to stop fooling around or I will tell it to my dad that he is scaring me again. He said, “Edi, sabihin mo kay Papa. Alam naman niya na umalis kami e. At alam niya na ikaw lang nasa bahay.” (“Then tell it to Papa. He knows that we went outside. And he knows that you are left alone at the house.”) I was really scared back then and until now , the question that bothers me is: Who was walking upstairs?
What are ghost? From watching at Discovery channel I realized that there are different types of ghost: Dead people- the people who died and for some reason was stuck in our time dimension. And sometimes doesn’t know they are dead that’s why they continue living their lives. Messengers- these are dead people who give message to their love ones and comfort them, and make them not feel sorry for their death. And the mean-spirited ghost who can affect our physical activity. There are ghosts who are evil and there are also ghosts that are good as classified above. They will not harm us unless we harm them.
What I believe the most about ghost is that: Ghosts do not interact with or seem to be aware of the living. Their appearance and actions are always the same. They are like spirit-level recordings or residual energies that replay over and over again. Quoted from Lauren Forcella, “How and why past events are recorded and replayed repetitiously is not understood. Whatever the actual mechanism, it apparently possesses longevity as haunting can continue for decades or longer. Generally, haunting of ghost is a fragment or portion of an actual event.” It definitely say (just my point of view) that ghost can be energy that we have when we are alive and when we died, we release these energy but it will take time for these energy to be absorbed again by nature. Another reason is that: Energy are neither created nor destroyed.
Furthermore, Ghost lab staffs find ghost by using high-tech scientific equipment such as Geiger counters, Electromagnetic Field detectors, ion detectors, infrared detectors, thermo cameras and such. These equipments are commonly related to energy. So, it really makes me believe that ghosts are residual energy and are just glimpse of the past.
I believe in ghost just like I believe in Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and such. Hence, there are many unanswered questions that I longed to know. If ghosts are just energy, why are they in human form? If they are energy, then why when people claim to see them they are with clothes? If ghosts are only souls that were stuck in our dimension, then why are they also wearing clothes? Does that mean that clothes have also their souls? With these, does it mean that ghosts must appear naked? Also, if ghosts are stuck because of trauma and because they were murdered, why won’t they help in directing police in solving crimes and not just hang out to scary places and scare/ haunt people?
Ghost hunting is abundant in our world and if every evidence they sought is a proof of ghost then long ago we have concrete explanations about their existence. For now, ghosts are relatively known not for evidence but for the fun and excitement when we tell ghost stories with our friends and go to a haunted building and search for the unknown.

UNSPOKEN

          Breathe in, breathe out as I was walking along the hallway. My pulse is fast but it’s like everything is in slow motion. At last, I had reached a door. I am holding the door know, I can feel the coldness in my environment. I am stoned. I stare blankly at the door. Somebody pat my shoulder—it’s my aunt. She gave me the you-can-do- it look as I slowly twist the knob to open the door. Beep! Beep! Beep! That’s the first thing I heard and everything in there is white...

          I am not a mushy person. I don’t say what I feel towards someone. I don’t think it’s relevant. My principle is: Action speaks louder than words. I am more of an actress than of a speaker. Saying ‘I love you’ to my parents is a hard task for me. I am shy to tell them that because people tease me if I do so. I also feel irritated when they act cheesy to me in public. I often times ignore them, especially my dad. My mom doesn’t say those words. Even she doesn’t do it, I can still feel in my bones her care and love for me. Their love is somewhat an invisible thread that connects us.

          My dad, who acts all so cheesy and often tell me “I love you, Bunso.”, and I are very close. They say I am like “tuko” [gecko] because I always follow my dad anywhere. I am Papa’s girl, after all. We are like Patrick and SpongeBob, Robin and Batman, Lilo and Stitch and the like. What we differ from them is that the sidekick (me) don’t tell my partner-in-crime the three magic words [I love you] to make him feel more special.

          When I was a child, I can’t go to sleep unless someone will rub my back. I frequently sleep in the sofa and magically wake up in my bed. When I have migraine, what eases me is a lullaby. When I’m down because of school activities and friends, a bottle of buko shake and a shawarma or siopao would make me feel good. When I feel nervous in every first day of school, a simple text would make me feel okay and brave. When I was being scolded by my mom, a wink would make me smile. All those things that make me feel better were done by my dad. He does not get tires in doing those things. And I am very thankful for that.

          Beep. Beep. Beep. I hear that sound for two- straight days. I was in the white room for two- straight days. And my dad, my dad is still asleep with many tubes attach to him for almost three days. Looking at him, I felt a warm liquid stroll down my cheeks. I never stopped praying to God to make my dad move his finger or open his eyes. Even I know for myself that it will never happen. I always whisper in his ears and tell him stories about my college life and about my prelim exam. I promised to him that I will definitely be a lawyer someday just like what he wants me to be. I whisper in his ears the three words I longed to say to him. I say, “I love you, Pa! Gising ka naman oh,please. Libre kita ng siopao at buko shake kapag gumising ka.” [“I love you, Pa! Please wake up now and I will treat you your favourite siopao and buko shake.”] while I held his hand and squeeze it gently. Nothing happened. I even threatened him one time, “Pa, kapag hindi ka gumising diyan, hindi na ako mag-aaral. Hindi na ako magiging lawyer, tulad ng sabi mo. Susunugin ko ang pinakamamahal mong babuyan at papakatay ko sila. Tapos, hindi kita bibilihan nong dream car mo. Hindi na din kita dadalhin sa Canada at hindi ka na makakakita o makakahawak ng snow!” [“Pa, if you don’t wake up today I will not continue my studies and I will not be a lawyer anymore. I will set your beloved piggery on fire and slaughter them. I will not buy you your dream car. I will not bring you to Canada and you will never see nor touch snowflakes!”] I even pinched his arms that time. Again, nothing happened.

          He stopped fighting for his life on the fourth day and I never saw his smile again.

          My unspoken words are the things I regret the most. I can’t go back in time and change back everything. Back then, all I could think are what-ifs. What if those words could have changed the future? What if those words could have saved my father’s life? What if?

          My regrets are my downfall for sometime but it taught me lessons that I will treasure in my life. First, it taught me to appreciate the things/ people that I have. Second, it taught me that: Even if action speaks louder than words, words unsaid still matters to be heard and that can make your actions have sense, and the people that will hear it would not doubt your feelings about them. Third, it taught me to cherish every moment in my life and make every day the best day I could ever have. Fourth, it taught me not to care on what people may think about me, because it’s only me who knows myself. And lastly, it taught me to become a better person.

          Regrets made me take my chances in everything I do. It made me realize that everything has consequences and all I need to do is how to make those, to things that will give me benefits. Every rose has its thorns—people always say that and I guess it’s true. When I was a child I was first taught to stand and walk on my own and not to talk. So I guess, in every downfall I will encounter I will use the things I first learned in this world—to stand up and continue my life’s journey and not to talk and complain about what’s happening to me.

          Breathe in, breathe out. I closed my eyes and saw that silvered tooth guy smiling at me and I smiled back. That guy is my dad. That guy is Henry.

Disappear, please.

Life is hard sometimes, I guess. Life is full of ups and downs. I didn't expect that I will experience this so early. I'm writing this because I can't keep it in myself anymore. It's been 1 month and 23 days since he left us. I don't get it. It's so hard. I never thought this would happen. Of all people, why him? In our theology subject, he told us that letting go is a nature to us human. That we need to let go in order for us to move on.

There are so many things I want to say to him. There are so many things I want to do with him. I also miss all the things we do. A simple conversation about my crush, a simple text every morning, a simple good bye and hello, a lousy fight with him about the way I cook those things make up my day. But, without him, I think my life stopped for a moment. I thought I will be tough with situations like this. But no. I can't helped it. At the end of the day I was left thinking about him,longing for him and wishing that this is just a dream. We never talked about this. I am not prepared. I thought me and my dad are partners. Partners don't leave their partners without goodbye or saying you love them. I am so stupid not to tell him I love him and ignoring his texts. I missed him badly. I missed his texts. I missed his smile and that shiny metal in his tooth.

Memories. That's the only thing I had for now and for the next years. It is not bad to miss you everyday, right? How can you leave me like this? You know I can't handle a simple toothache or even a headache?! I always need you to sing a lullaby for me and hold me in your arms until I fell asleep. Who will be there whenever I want a buko shake or shawarma? Who will be there when I am down and feel left alone or even shy with my new classmates?You told me I need not to be shy with them and try my best in school. I did it, you know! But, you left me. You are so unfair.
I say, life really sucks and losing someone you love makes it even more. Can I just close my eyes? And when I open them, this is all....gone.

A welcome back post

Its been 4 months since my last post. Well, I forgot about this blog thingy. And also, truth be told, I just made this blog for a grade. xD I'm just being honest. ;) And then, one time I was with my friends, namely: Kate, Julia, Marisol, Ann and Donna well, sadly, Carla is not present.Just kidding. So, we chat and chat and chat and chat again. Then, Maris visited the blog of Kate. And I had fun reading some of her posts. I can't forget the fact that she really wants to be like Barbie and also she likes the smell of gasoline, kinda weird eh? But sounds cool to me. :) And I realized that I also have my blog. So, I decided to make a new post. And this is it. Hahaha. Sooooo, I don't know what to say!!Arrgh.

It's March already and I'm having a countdown! Our graduation day is fast approaching. Mixed emotions. I think I'm losing my marbles! I still don't want to end my school life. Yeah, life been hard to me. Especially, in love life. Oh men, I wish I can eat all my problems!! It's a win-win situation. I'll be full and at the same time my problems will disappear. I also wish, i have a wand. So, I can hex people who are mean to me. *evil laugh
I just don't get it? Am I not worth loving for? Am I not good? Am I not... ARRRRGH! I can't take it anymore. Fine, be with her. I don't care. But still, Watashi wa anata aishite! Watashi wa airu tsuneni narimasu! :) Maybe, I just love the wrong person, at the wrong time and wrong place. Or maybe your name is not yet written in what God planned for me.

I didn't expect to be so dramatic in this post. But yeah, that's what I feel right now. Some people won't understand but I admit I loved the guy. It's not just an infatuation. One time, our teacher told us about the difference between love and infatuation. I found out it is Love. And that's what hurts me most. I'm inlove. But he's not. I'm just a total stranger.  Awww. Well, anyways, I am happy for him. (bitter)  Haha. So, I guess, Love is out of my vocabulary again. Forever alone.

UNIQUENESS

Someone told me that UNIQUENESS is also a key to survive in College life. ( I also saw it in a book)
woah. I'm kind of excited with college things but I still don't want to cause, I'll be missing my friends.

Well, from what I've learned about her so-called experiences is that we need to take advantage of the uniqueness we have. No one else can take our place in this world. And we need to live our life to the fullest that you can because nobody else can live it for you.

Life gives you pretty much what you give it. It gives beauty to those who try to add to its beauty. It gives happiness to those who share their happiness. It gives even love to those who love. ^^

Always remember that: People are different from each other. No one is an exact copy of another. Each one is unique. :)

Laziness