Breathe in, breathe out as I was walking along the hallway. My pulse is fast but it’s like everything is in slow motion. At last, I had reached a door. I am holding the door know, I can feel the coldness in my environment. I am stoned. I stare blankly at the door. Somebody pat my shoulder—it’s my aunt. She gave me the you-can-do- it look as I slowly twist the knob to open the door. Beep! Beep! Beep! That’s the first thing I heard and everything in there is white...
I am not a mushy person. I don’t say what I feel towards
someone. I don’t think it’s relevant. My principle is: Action speaks louder
than words. I am more of an actress than of a speaker. Saying ‘I love you’ to
my parents is a hard task for me. I am shy to tell them that because people
tease me if I do so. I also feel irritated when they act cheesy to me in
public. I often times ignore them, especially my dad. My mom doesn’t say those
words. Even she doesn’t do it, I can still feel in my bones her care and love
for me. Their love is somewhat an invisible thread that connects us.
My dad, who acts all so cheesy and often tell me “I love
you, Bunso.”, and I are very close. They say I am like “tuko” [gecko] because I
always follow my dad anywhere. I am Papa’s girl, after all. We are like Patrick
and SpongeBob, Robin and Batman, Lilo and Stitch and the like. What we differ
from them is that the sidekick (me) don’t tell my partner-in-crime the three
magic words [I love you] to make him feel more special.
When I was a child, I can’t go to sleep unless someone will
rub my back. I frequently sleep in the sofa and magically wake up in my bed.
When I have migraine, what eases me is a lullaby. When I’m down because of
school activities and friends, a bottle of buko shake and a shawarma or siopao
would make me feel good. When I feel nervous in every first day of school, a
simple text would make me feel okay and brave. When I was being scolded by my
mom, a wink would make me smile. All those things that make me feel better were
done by my dad. He does not get tires in doing those things. And I am very
thankful for that.
Beep. Beep. Beep. I hear that sound for two- straight days.
I was in the white room for two- straight days. And my dad, my dad is still
asleep with many tubes attach to him for almost three days. Looking at him, I
felt a warm liquid stroll down my cheeks. I never stopped praying to God to
make my dad move his finger or open his eyes. Even I know for myself that it
will never happen. I always whisper in his ears and tell him stories about my
college life and about my prelim exam. I promised to him that I will definitely
be a lawyer someday just like what he wants me to be. I whisper in his ears the
three words I longed to say to him. I say, “I love you, Pa! Gising ka naman
oh,please. Libre kita ng siopao at buko shake kapag gumising ka.” [“I love you,
Pa! Please wake up now and I will treat you your favourite siopao and buko
shake.”] while I held his hand and squeeze it gently. Nothing happened. I even
threatened him one time, “Pa, kapag hindi ka gumising diyan, hindi na ako
mag-aaral. Hindi na ako magiging lawyer, tulad ng sabi mo. Susunugin ko ang
pinakamamahal mong babuyan at papakatay ko sila. Tapos, hindi kita bibilihan
nong dream car mo. Hindi na din kita dadalhin sa Canada at hindi ka na
makakakita o makakahawak ng snow!” [“Pa, if you don’t wake up today I will not
continue my studies and I will not be a lawyer anymore. I will set your beloved
piggery on fire and slaughter them. I will not buy you your dream car. I will
not bring you to Canada and you will never see nor touch snowflakes!”] I even
pinched his arms that time. Again, nothing happened.
He stopped fighting for his life on the fourth day and I
never saw his smile again.
My unspoken words are the things I regret the most. I can’t
go back in time and change back everything. Back then, all I could think are
what-ifs. What if those words could have changed the future? What if those
words could have saved my father’s life? What if?
My regrets are my downfall for sometime but it taught me
lessons that I will treasure in my life. First, it taught me to appreciate the
things/ people that I have. Second, it taught me that: Even if action speaks
louder than words, words unsaid still matters to be heard and that can make
your actions have sense, and the people that will hear it would not doubt your
feelings about them. Third, it taught me to cherish every moment in my life and
make every day the best day I could ever have. Fourth, it taught me not to care
on what people may think about me, because it’s only me who knows myself. And
lastly, it taught me to become a better person.
Regrets made me take my chances in everything I do. It made
me realize that everything has consequences and all I need to do is how to make
those, to things that will give me benefits. Every rose has its thorns—people
always say that and I guess it’s true. When I was a child I was first taught to
stand and walk on my own and not to talk. So I guess, in every downfall I will
encounter I will use the things I first learned in this world—to stand up and
continue my life’s journey and not to talk and complain about what’s happening
to me.
Breathe in, breathe out. I closed my eyes and saw that
silvered tooth guy smiling at me and I smiled back. That guy is my dad. That
guy is Henry.
