Disappear, please.

Life is hard sometimes, I guess. Life is full of ups and downs. I didn't expect that I will experience this so early. I'm writing this because I can't keep it in myself anymore. It's been 1 month and 23 days since he left us. I don't get it. It's so hard. I never thought this would happen. Of all people, why him? In our theology subject, he told us that letting go is a nature to us human. That we need to let go in order for us to move on.

There are so many things I want to say to him. There are so many things I want to do with him. I also miss all the things we do. A simple conversation about my crush, a simple text every morning, a simple good bye and hello, a lousy fight with him about the way I cook those things make up my day. But, without him, I think my life stopped for a moment. I thought I will be tough with situations like this. But no. I can't helped it. At the end of the day I was left thinking about him,longing for him and wishing that this is just a dream. We never talked about this. I am not prepared. I thought me and my dad are partners. Partners don't leave their partners without goodbye or saying you love them. I am so stupid not to tell him I love him and ignoring his texts. I missed him badly. I missed his texts. I missed his smile and that shiny metal in his tooth.

Memories. That's the only thing I had for now and for the next years. It is not bad to miss you everyday, right? How can you leave me like this? You know I can't handle a simple toothache or even a headache?! I always need you to sing a lullaby for me and hold me in your arms until I fell asleep. Who will be there whenever I want a buko shake or shawarma? Who will be there when I am down and feel left alone or even shy with my new classmates?You told me I need not to be shy with them and try my best in school. I did it, you know! But, you left me. You are so unfair.
I say, life really sucks and losing someone you love makes it even more. Can I just close my eyes? And when I open them, this is all....gone.